Mar 30, 2012

NOM's Uglyness Exposed, Part III - Now With Republican Twist

After the National Organization for Marriage was ordered in court to make their financial dealings public, we have seen their agenda to "drive a wedge between gays and blacks", as well as the plan to find "non cognitive celebrities" to promote gay-hate. Today, another cute tidbit from NOM's disgrace came up, only this time it points to an altogether different type of marriage-deterrent (if signing Evil Pledges of Evil is any indication) - Republican runner for presidential nomination, Mitt Romney. Huffpost has an article about it. Seems Romney gave $10 000 to NOM in 2008, but did so sneakily, through a PAC. Here's a bit of the article:

But when Romney eventually made his donation, he did so quietly, and through an unusual channel. Records filed by Romney's Free and Strong America PAC with the Federal Election Commission did not include details of that $10,000 donation. Nor did NOM's public 990 form. In fact, record of the payment was only uncovered Friday when the pro-gay rights Human Rights Campaign was sent a private IRS filing from NOM via a whistleblower. The Human Rights Campaign shared the filing with The Huffington Post.

Asked for comment, an aide to Romney said that the donation was made through the Alabama chapter of the Free and Strong America PAC. State records confirm this. However, the 990 NOM filed lists the donation as having come from PO Box 79226 in Belmont, Massachusetts.

Romney is far from the only national politician to take advantage of Alabama's lax campaign finance and disclosure laws. Several others have set up PACs in the state, for the purposes of raising money. Alabama does not put a limit on the individual amount that a donor can give to a PAC.

But the secretive nature of the donation raised the eyebrows of Human Rights Campaign officials. Romney, after all, didn't have to send his check to NOM through the Alabama chapter of his PAC.

I wonder how much more will surface from NOM's financial documents. Can't wait to see their further humiliation.

Mar 29, 2012

NOM's Uglyness Exposed, Part II

A few days ago the media exploded with NOM's plan to "drive a wedge between gays and blacks". We always "know" organizations like that have those secret agendas, but "knowing" and actually knowing for a fact are different things, and it is likely NOM will never be able to come back from this. There was much rejoicing. However, race-baiting is not the only awesome piece of embarrassment on the document. As Huffpost notes in this article, they are also looking for "glamorous" but also "non cognitive" celebrities to help further the cause:

Here's the bottom line: Hollywood with its cultural biases is far bigger than we can hope to be. We recognize this. But we also recognize the opportunity - the disproportionate potential impact of proactively seeking to gather and connect a community of artists, athletes, writers, beauty queens and other glamorous non cognitive elites across national boundaries.

Famous dumb people, unite!

Mar 27, 2012

Minnesota Hate #13 - We Have Numbers!!!


I am not even going to bother checking those numbers and sources. I can bet my left testicle that they are either completely made up, or enough of the statistics and context is obscured so that they say what Kalley Yanta's evil blonde wig wants them to say.

NOM's Uglyness Exposed, Part I

The Human Rights Campaign has published internal NOM communiques that were unsealed yesterday as part of Maine's investigation into NOM's financial dealings. You can see the whole document if you follow the link. Meanwhile, probably the most horrendous item on the agenda is the explicitly stated goal of driving "a wedge between gays and blacks—two key Democratic constituencies." That an organization that is supposed to be devoted to "protecting marriage" has such a blatantly political purpose surprises no one, but the racism is just staggering. Here's the full quote, and some more:

“The strategic goal of this project is to drive a wedge between gays and blacks—two key Democratic constituencies. Find, equip, energize and connect African American spokespeople for marriage, develop a media campaign around their objections to gay marriage as a civil right; provoke the gay marriage base into responding by denouncing these spokesmen and women as bigots…”


"The Latino vote in America is a key swing vote, and will be so even more so in the future, both because of demographic growth and inherent uncertainty: Will the process of assimilation to the dominant Anglo culture lead Hispanics to abandon traditional family values? We must interrupt this process of assimilation by making support for marriage a key badge of Latino identity - a symbol of resistance to inappropriate assimilation."

I expect this will cause irreparable damage to NOM (which is a personal "favorite" of mine among the hate groups because of Orson Scott Card's presence on their board of directors). I'm curious however as to how the rest of the hate groups will respond. As much as I want to see NOM burn, I expect a passionate cry of "Help! We're being oppressed!" instead of addressing the issue of naked race-baiting.

The news has already gone mainstream, but major news outlets are yet to address it. Anyway, more on the story, as it develops.

Mar 22, 2012

Tyler Clementi - The Story of a Suicide

In September, 2010, Rutgers freshman Tyler Clementi committed suicide by jumping off the George Washington Bridge, after his roommate used a webcam to spy on his hook up with an older man. The tragedy became national news, and an example of cyber bullying to be made symbol of. Recently, the roommate Dharun Ravi was found guilty of most charges, including invasion of privacy and bias intimidation (hate crime). His verdict is due in May, but in the mean time, opinions vary as to what part of this is justice, and what - making an example. That bullying is a horrifying problem in the US is undeniable, and that cyber bullying is largely ignored by the law is a sad fact as well. However, many details of this particular case were misrepresented by the media, trying to paint Ravi as a bloodthirsty gay-basher who posted Tyler's sex-tape online thus ousting him. In fact, there was no sex-tape, no sex even, it was never "posted" anywhere, and Tyler was already out. However, even if many facts were not entirely clear, one was undeniable - a gay teenager ended his life after a gross invasion of his privacy.

I was recently made aware of this wonderful article from the New Yorker:

The Story of a Suicide

It is very long, and detailed, but if you want to have as comprehensive an account of the events as possible, I think it is invaluable. It is a horrible tale of ignorance and stupid mistakes born of careless arrogance and insecurity. And as a member of JUB (which is mentioned here), I can't help but be reminded that there might be other Tylers, right now, posting topics asking for advice, reaching out for help. And I ask myself if I have in me the words to prevent another tragedy...

Mar 20, 2012

Minnesota Hate #12 - It's All About the Kids, But Only If You're Gay!

So yeah, marriage is to promote procreation. But even though old and infertile people can't procreate, that's ok, cause they aren't gay.

Mar 19, 2012

The President of Liberia Has Certain Traditional Values

It's the first part that's really relevant. Tony Blair's face is a mask of discomfort, of course. I can't believe this monster has won the Nobel Prize for Peace. What a joke...

Edit: In case it's not entirely clear what my problem is, let me just say that in Liberia homosexuality is a crime, punishable by up to a year in prison.

Mar 15, 2012

Today in Republican Hate 03.15.2012

Good times with Republican gays. GOProud's 2012 Agenda is up, and again they seem to try and mimic everything the GOP stands for (which is eating babies, skinning kittens and drowning puppies of course), including this piece of beauty:

EDUCATION REFORM – The answer to the serious problem of bullying is not more federal intervention in education. Instead, we support empowering parents and families by supporting school choice initiatives and protecting the right of parents to homeschool their children.

Again I want to just quote Joe on this one:

After a horrific year of bullying-related suicides in which the anti-gay Christian hate machine mobilized in numerous jurisdictions, installing or bidding to install laws that force teachers to watch silently while LGBT kids are beaten, GOProud says "Let the local schools do as the local anti-gay groups command."

This is, yunno, in case anyone needed more reasons to be disgusted by GOProud...


Meanwhile, Focus on the Family is pushing for a petition for Colorado voters to make it legal to deny housing, employment, and services to any person on the basis of religious objections. Translation - "Give us the right to kick gays any way we want to". LGBT rights group One Colorado is warning citizens against this:

The initiative’s language — which focuses on “religious liberty” — is incredibly deceptive. It doesn’t make clear the widespread implications of enacting this law. Implications that don’t just impact LGBT people — but all Coloradans.

Imagine a law that allows a pharmacist to refuse to fill a birth control prescription. A law that permits an employer to refuse to hire people on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity and expression. A law that gives protection to teachers who refuse to teach sex education or evolution. All for the sake of so-called religious freedom.

They also need financial assistance to fight this absurdity. Chip in if you can.

GLAAD Launches Commentator Accountability Project

I am absolutely in love with this idea! GLAAD is starting a project to make journalists aware of the hate speakers they often unwittingly invite to discuss LGBT issues, supposedly to present another side. From GLAAD's page:

The GLAAD Commentator Accountability Project (CAP) aims to put critical information about frequent anti-gay interviewees into the hands of newsrooms, editors, hosts and reporters. Journalists or producers who are on deadline often don't have the time to dig into the histories of a commentator. Audiences need to be aware that when they’re not talking to the mainstream media, these voices are comparing LGBT people to Nazi Germany, predicting that equal treatment of LGBT people will lead to the total collapse of society, and even making accusations of satanic influence.

The Commentator Accountability Project is bringing all of these statements to light, while calling attention to the sentiments behind them. We will show that the commentators who are most often asked to opine on issues like marriage equality or non-discrimination protections do not accurately represent the "other side" of those issues. They represent nothing but extreme animus towards the entire LGBT community.

What follows is a list of names of hatemongers which might be educational to read through. You should contact GLAAD if these people appear in your local media.

Help! My Bigotry is Being Oppressed! #1

AFA host Kevin McCullough being slightly weirded out by being called out on his hate speech.

So, um, us gays hate straight people for having sex and having babies, so we'll stop them by, uh, asking to get married! Cause we're evil and stuff. But that's ok, cause gays don't REALLY exist. So why all the hate for this guy? So so very very unfair...


Meanwhile, "Gay Activists Try To Suppress Biblical Viewpoint From The Media", apparently, or so Gary Schneeberger, vice president of communications for "Focus On The Family", says, adding his voice in the general hate group outrage for GLAAD's new Commentator Accountability Project which I blogged about in the previous post. Other oppressed bigots include the "Liberty Council"'s spokesperson Matt Barber, who says that GLAAD Can't Silence Christians, failing to note that GLAAD isn't trying to...

"They need to understand -- liberals and secularists -- that as Christ followers, we will never, ever stop speaking God's truth in love," Barber comments. "We appreciate when they reveal who they really are here and reveal the weakness inherent within their own arguments by attempting to silence those who would dare to dissent with their radical secular socialism."

Hopefully journalists with a conscience will do what's right.


Another monster whose hatred is being oppressed is Evangelical monster Scott Lively who just got sued in Massachusetts court by a Ugandan LGBT rights group for inciting the persecution and murder of homosexuals in their country.

The lawsuit maintains that beginning in 2002, Mr. Lively conspired with religious and political leaders in Uganda to whip up anti-gay hysteria with warnings that gay people would sodomize African children and corrupt their culture.

The Ugandan legislature considered a bill in 2009, proposed by one of Mr. Lively’s Ugandan contacts, that would have imposed the death sentence for the “offense of homosexuality.” That bill languished after an outcry from the United States and European nations that are among major aid donors to Uganda, but was reintroduced last month.

Lively is of course outraged by the vermin's temerity:

“I am an American citizen [being targeted] over the persecution of homosexuals as they define it as a crime against humanity – for speaking the truth of the Bible in a foreign country.”

Poor bastard...

Mar 14, 2012

Minnesota Hate #11 - It's All About the Kids!

As usual, Kalley is filled with love and compassion. Marriage is for raising children. Oh, and you must make them yourself. No cheating with adoption!

Meanwhile ex US vice president Walter Mondale has come out against the Minnesota marriage amendment. Just saying...

Mar 13, 2012

Marriage Equality (and other) News 03.13.2012

While the US ultra religious hate groups and the pro-gay organizations trade their usual promises and verbal barbs, and the Catholic Church leaders keep bashing us, most news recently have been international.

Ex UK prime minister Tony Blair strongly supports the current PM David Cameron and a big part of his Cabinet's efforts to establish marriage equality in the United Kingdom. A consultation on gay marriage will be launched this month, even though it has been met with aggressive opposition from the Catholic Church and the Church of England. The exact words of Blair, a recent Catholic convert, are that he "strongly supports the Prime Minister's proposal". Cameron himself has this to say about his bid for gay marriage:

"Society is stronger when we make vows to each other and support each other. So I don't support gay marriage despite being a Conservative; I support gay marriage because I'm a Conservative."

Perhaps some Republican parties who shall remain unnamed should listen to this and take note?


On a much lighter, and absolutely adorable note, the Ben & Jerry's box you see at the top of the post is not a photoshop invention, but an actual renaming of their "Oh! My! Apple! Pie!" flavor in the UK. The company has done this to show its support for the upcoming marriage equality on the island. They've also launched a campaign together with Stonewall for a new app allowing users to "marry" each other on Facebook, thus showing their support for marriage equality in the Kingdom as well. This is not the first time Ben & Jerry's have done this either; they changed their "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby" to celebrate gay marriage in Vermont in 2009.


A bit to the east, Denmark moves rapidly to legalizing gay marriage as early as June, 2012. Here is a quote from the Danish press:

Gay couples can look forward to a church wedding this summer.

At her weekly press conference, Tuesday, Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt said the government is putting the finishing touches to a bill that will come into force on June 15th, allowing homosexuals and lesbians to walk down the aisle in the church of their choice – if they can find a priest who’s willing to conduct the ceremony.

You don't want to perform a ceremony? Fine, don't, your choice to be a douchebag. But don't demand that nobody else does either. It seems that marriage equality is not such a tough issue when the government is ruled by the desire to actually make people happy rather than indoctrinating them with Evangelical dogma... Who knew?


And as rainbows rain all over Europe, US states continue to actively try and murder children just so long as the "gay agenda" doesn't win. Kentucky house panel just turned down an anti-bullying bill that would include sexual orientation. Apparently, despite pleas from parents whose children committed suicide because of bullying, the panel desided that "existing anti-bullying laws are sufficient". Instead of my own opinion here, I'll just post Joe's, as it says EXACTLY what I want to say:

Republicans in the Kentucky House Education Committee today squashed an anti-bullying bill because it would help prevent gay children from killing themselves. Not even sobbing pleas from the parents of dead children can move these monsters.

I have already posted about the issue of gay teen suicide, and I will repeat what I said then - allowing politics to define decisions about children's safety, allowing bigotry to make you turn a blind eye to kids committing suicides, is NOT lawmaking. It is not being a politician, a representative of a party, and ideology, or anything else. The only thing it makes you, is a murderer.


The Department of Health and Human Services is seeking the public's opinion for a proposed plan to ease the ban on blood donations from gay men. If you want to add your voice for or against an amendment, you can do it in the comments section in the above link, which will be open for the next 90 days. Personally, I can't wait to see what pseudo-scientific "argument" hate groups will come up with to try and fight this. The outrage should be awesome.


Here is the latest video from Marriage News Watch (link to American Foundation for Equal Rights in the side bar):

I hope those polls will continue to be in our favor. Even though anti-gay campaigns will start when the November ballot approaches, and numbers will surely drop, it is clear that without brainwashing, the majority of Americans are now FOR, instead of against us. What a difference in just a few short years...


EDIT: This just in. The city of Omaha, Neb has passed a bill that protects LGBT people from work discrimination. A random fluke or a tendency? Let's hope the latter.

Fixing What Isn't Broken - of Ex-Gays and Phony Science

Self-loathing and shame are a sad and unavoidable fact of the transitional times we live in. While the fight for equality seems to be gaining more and more momentum, it is far from over, and many members of the community feel nothing but utmost terror at the thought of being associated with it. Though I have no official statistics, my observation is that two out of every three gay men suffer from one form of internalized homophobia or another. Even those who seemingly don't, so often can't escape the mold of heteronormative morality and dogma.

But there is one small group of homosexuals that I think has earned a special place in Hell, and it is probably the only part of the gay community that I allow myself to actively despise - the ex-gays.

First of all, let's be real here (halleloo!) - no self-respecting LGBT person of sound mind believes that being gay is a mental disorder, and one that could be treated. Nobody who has ever been out could say this feeling of utter completeness, of the world being set right, of a weight that has left your shoulders forever, could be somehow wrong. But that's the core of the problem - ex-gays have never been out. Their horror of who they are is so overwhelming that they follow the first crazy person that promises them Dr. Straightenschlong's Magical Potion of Straightness. This is not thinking. This is not looking at yourself and your own feelings. This is self-loathing on an Olympian scale. And self-loathing is exceptionally unattractive.

Second, and much more important, those desperate souls are extremely damaging to the cause of the fight for equality. Hatemongers can just point at them and say "See? There's your proof that it can be cured!" I am not even going to try and guess at the level of self-repression and aggressive denial that is required to maintain this pathetic lie, but in the end, my sympathy for the torture those people live in is really dampened by how much of it is self-inflicted and how appalling an example it sets for other equally scared people.

However, as repulsive as I find ex-gays, they are victims too. Victims of crazy aggressive psychopaths with the power and money to say "yes, what you are IS a disease, an aberration, unnatural and wrong wrong, so very wrong, BUT I HAVE A CURE!" Which leads me to NARTH - the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. An old and seriously influential organization of phony psychiatrists who have split from the American Psychiatric Association because they can't - they just CAN'T - accept that gays are not evil and won't actually destroy society. Their "work", presented as scientific research and "fact", has been laughed at and disproved on absolutely every conceivable level, but they are the only claim to "argumentation" that the crazy religious Right has, and so they are being cited again and again by huge groups like the American Family Association or the Family Research Council, while normal people try to suppress disgusted twitches and the desire to vomit.

I recently read a Report on NARTH by the Southern Poverty Law Center. It is very compelling and I urge you to read it, because one simply HAS to know exactly how unbased the entire argument against homosexuality is on the scientific level. Here are some quotes from it:

Billing itself as the counterweight to the two most prominent mental health authorities — the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association — NARTH pushes the idea, with the zeal of a religious movement, that no one is born gay and that a person’s sexual orientation can be changed through what is known as “reparative” or “conversion” therapy, also commonly called “ex-gay” therapy. At the heart of this argument is the belief that homosexuality is an unnatural deviation from normal sexual development, a form of mental disorder.

With these views, NARTH has emerged as the preeminent source of what many regard as “junk science” for the religious right — psychology that underpins the anti-gay movement’s fervent opposition to equal rights and stigmatizes LGBT people as mentally sick.


In fact, every major American medical authority has concluded that there is no scientific support for NARTH’s view, and many have expressed concern that reparative therapy can cause harm. Most strikingly, in 2006, the American Psychological Association (APA) stated: “There is simply no sufficiently scientifically sound evidence that sexual orientation can be changed.” The APA added, “Our further concern is that the positions espoused by NARTH and Focus on the Family create an environment in which prejudice and discrimination can flourish.”

And flourish it has.

That such an organization can still exist in 2012, and be willfully ignorant of facts is scary to say the least, but as NARTH is being marginalized further and further, and "reparative" therapy is laughed at by sane people, those of us who are struggling with who they are, see a false hope, one that isn't just based on lies, but also one that they should not be looking for at all. As long as hatred like this is given a public tribune, homosexuals will not be completely free of this self-loathing that infects us so deeply. Until those who cannot stand us for the ways that we are different from them lose their voice completely, our community will not be free of its own desire to try and "repair" what should be celebrated instead.

Mar 12, 2012

Kalley Yanta - Birth Control is of the Father of Lies!

Kalley Yanta - the spokesperson for the Minnesota Marriage Minute hate videos - comes to enlighten women on the eeeeeevilllleee of birth control pills. Apparently they prolonged her "promiscuous lifestyle" back when her hair was actually in fashion, and destroyed her marriage. Now she trembles with self-flogging trepidation for the day she goes to Heaven and meets all those children she murdered in her selfishness.

Remember kids - sex can NEVER be recreational! Planned Parenthood is of the Devil! Kalley Yanta, with her six children and five miscarriages, can attest to that. THANK GOD that EVERY person in the world can afford to feed and take care of multiple children! Praise!

Mar 11, 2012

Comical Impotence and the Consequences of Forgetting Yourself

I have been observing a tendency, lately, among hatemongers who oppose same-sex marriage, and it is heartwarming in its utterly helpless inadequacy. The Minnesota Marriage Minute video I posted recently, as well as One Million Moms' outrage over Toys R Us selling the infamous Life With Archie #16, where Kevin Keller gets married, has all gravitated around this one argument that is just laughable: "But if we allow gays to marry, children will think it's ok to be gay!" In their own words, sans the hate lingo. Let me translate further: "But if we let them marry, homophobia will soon not be ok!" It is so transparent, I predict very soon even neutral people, and maybe some of those against same-sex marriage, will connect the dots. Hatred is a tough sell, once you get rid of all the sugarcoating that gives it a positive spin. Seriously, all of you, Protectors, Researchers etc., is THAT what your anti-gay arguments have devolved to? Are you really that f**king desperate? Has the anti-gay movement reached this point in its inevitable demise?

So, it was greatly satisfying for me to read Cracked's article How Archie's Gay Friend Proved the Internet Can Do Good. The main point of the article is dead on, and very much worth reading, but what was even more amusing is the unapologetic derision the author shows for the American Family Association and its spawn advocacy group One Million Moms. Here are some choice quotes:

The American Family Association aren't just a recognized hate group, they're cartoon villains that escaped into the real world. They're driven by hate, choose actual comics characters as their enemies and still fail humiliatingly and publicly. They think of themselves as righteous crusaders, because they're exactly the sort of assholes who still use the word "crusade," but they're really Gargamel from the Smurfs: fighting ridiculously soft fictional targets just because they're the same gender and happy together, and still managing to lose.


One Million Moms is a website based on intolerance and the inability to count. It's named the same way a kid might call himself Commander Badass Boobtoucher: desperate wish-fulfillment and blatant lies. Despite being an entirely online group, they only had about 40,000 Facebook fans, an accurate count both of their real support and of how many moms don't know their kids have already blocked them. By their math, I could call my dick the Pleaser of Luxembourg and it would be more accurate, because I'm only short about half a million people.

I know, it's just magical. The rest of the article follows the same style, so treat yourself to it.

On a marginally related subject, other parts of society are also beginning to wake up to the inadequacy of hate mongers, and even though this particular example is not directly related to gay issues, it is VERY MUCH worth mentioning. As you might know, Rush Limbaugh recently went on a 3-day rampage calling a young woman "a slut", "a prostitute" and urging her to post her sex videos online in response to her talking in defense of government covering contraception in insurance (you can find thousands of videos, articles and commentary on the subject at I found out today that the scandal has spread outside of Rush's show. Currently NINETY EIGHT major sponsors have pulled out of not only his cesspool, but also any other program that could be considered as "offensive and controversial". Here is an article on the subject, and a quote from it:

Premiere Networks, which distributes Limbaugh as well as a host of other right-wing talkers, sent an email out to its affiliates early Friday listing 98 large corporations that have requested their ads appear only on “programs free of content that you know are deemed to be offensive or controversial (for example, Mark Levin, Rush Limbaugh, Tom Leykis, Michael Savage, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity).”

This is big. According to the radio-industry website, which first posted excerpts of the Premiere memo, among the 98 companies that have decided to no longer sponsor these programs are “carmakers (Ford, GM, Toyota), insurance companies (Allstate, Geico, Prudential, State Farm), and restaurants (McDonald’s, Subway).” Together, these talk-radio advertising staples represent millions of dollars in revenue.

I'm realizing suddenly that given the opportunity, people DO actually make the difference between right and wrong some times. It is surprising, but pleasant none the less. Perhaps this is the beginning of the downfall of Right wing hate preachers who think they're godlike in their unaccountability for what they say. Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing, but I am loving the freedom of consequences even more.

Mar 7, 2012

Minnesota Hate #10 - Getting Lost in Your Own Bullshit

It's by far the most confused of the Minnesota Hate videos so far, in that it fails to make the point of how what it is talking about is a bad thing. I am very disturbed. Kelly Yanta is slipping...

Mar 4, 2012

Minnesota Marriage Minute - How to Put a Positive Spin on Hatred

I have been following the Minnesota Marriage Minute videos for a while - a series of videos designed to explain why the proposed constitutional amendment to put an explicit definition of "one man and one woman" in Minnesota is in NO way an evil thing of hatred and inequality, but rather a positive, loving attempt to preserve the precious institution of marriage, and thus prevent Minnesota from falling into chaos, anarchy, a series of apocalypses, and general wacky pandemonium. I have added my favorite of the series, but if you want the entire list (so far 9 videos), go on their YouTube Channel.

Phrase of the day: "To protect marriage from the meddling of activist judges and politicians". It's always all about protection. Those pesky activist judges...

Mar 2, 2012

Romance in the Closet and the Big Lie

I've wanted to post something on the subject for a long while now, and I finally found the time to do it. I understand this post is not something many closeted people will like to read, but I feel that it's something they need to. I want it to be clear that I am NOT making fun of anyone. There is nothing fun about being the guy in any of these situations, and I know how bad it feels, how horrible it is. However, there is a comical element to it, once you have gotten far enough to look back and laugh at it.

We all want someone in our lives. We are always looking for that special person who will complete us, care for us, love us and make everything better. But can you find him from the isolation of the closet? Unfortunately, I have to say the answer is no. It is my deep conviction, but also everything I've seen in my life so far supports it. Just... no. There are so many problems with this situation, but they can easily be summed up into four big categories. And sadly, all of those lead to a bad place.

"I'm in love with my straight friend"
Probably the most common topic in the "Coming Out & Relationships" section of JUB is a variation on that topic. It could be a college dorm roommate, a childhood friend or a new acquaintance, but the story is basically always the same - a closeted gay guy who is desperately crushing on a close straight friend. They get obsessed, can't eat, can't sleep, the guy is all that matters, he is everything they ever wanted, but oh, if ONLY he were able to return their feelings! A few deranged ones will even go as far as admitting their feelings to their object of desire, thus completely obliterating whatever relationship they had with him in the first place, or at best - adding a thick layer of awkwardness to it. Most however just pine, suffer dramatically, and look online for help to a problem that should not exist in the first place.

Let's get a few things straight (haw haw haw). First of all, no, you are not "in love" with him. Love is a deep emotion, and healthy. Love makes you feel safe and appreciated. And in the end, love is rarely one-sided, because it needs to be nurtured to survive. What you are, is crushing. What you are, is obsessing. But mostly, what you really are, is being dishonest. To yourself. Because, semantics aside, whatever you're feeling, you don't want him to reciprocate. Should he ever do, that would make everything real.

And that's the whole point, isn't it? There is a reason why most out gay guys don't really care about straight ones. Suffering and lusting after the unattainable, focusing on it with such fervor, that everything else ceases to exist... that is nothing but a way to keep everything real far, far away. You can never have him, so you're safe. You don't have to move away from your miserable comfort zone in the closet. You don't have to put yourself out there, make a move, take a risk, have a REAL relationship. It's all pretend, and it's all a fantasy. That is the truth of it. That is why you go for the straight guy.

"I love him, but is he gay?!"
Another wonderful tragedy in the macabre tale of closeted romance (and a regular at JUB) is the story of a closeted boy who falls for that one wonderful, funny, interesting guy, but can't quite figure out whether it's reciprocated or not. "Does he like me?" and "Is he gay?" are two questions you should not go online to ask. The answers can never come from strangers on the internet, they can only come from you. But how can you ever know, when you can't go to them and tell them who you are? When you can't show your interest in any direct way? When all you can do is circle around them, giving greater and greater significance to smaller and smaller things that he does or says, until everything he does or says screams at you that he is gay and madly in love with you, and if you could only be completely sure, so you should ask someone online...

No, I am afraid that's not how it works. You will never know, because you can't approach him. And because you can't approach him, everything that's happening is happening in your head. And because it's happening in your head, it becomes surreal, proportions get completely skewed, and you get as far away from actual reality as one could get. Also, sad to say, chances are he's not gay, not interested and probably has no idea what fantasies are happening in your mind right now. Which is why he is not running away screaming.

"I came out to this gay guy, and now I am so in love with him!"
Few people are completely in the closet. Often there will be one or two close people who know you are gay. Coming out is a continuous process, and you are "really out" not when you come out to one person, but when you don't care who knows. But let's say you are not there yet, and somehow circumstances made you come out to a gay guy. He is kind to you, wants to help you in the process of coming out, so naturally you fall madly "in love" with him. This one I can say from actual experience, as I've been that barely out guy myself. It happens to a lot of us, but the key difference - what makes it wrong instead of right - is that for a lot of guys that is, for a long time, the end stop of their coming out.

I mean, really, why should you come out more, deal with more risk of rejection, more real world, when you have already found the perfect guy. Well, here's why. He is not the perfect guy. He is just the first gay guy you have been able to be open with. It makes you feel freer than you've ever felt in your life. You finally have an open connection to someone who knows exactly how you feel. But it is a starting point, not something to obsess over. That's just closet habits kicking in. And just because he is gay, doesn't automatically mean he has any feelings for you other than wanting to be your friend and help you. Of course, he might very well be the perfect guy. But you know nothing about being out, you know nothing about what you need in a boyfriend, and you know nothing about how a healthy relationship works. So what you will end up doing is scaring the poor guy away with your intensity. The core rule every guy - gay or straight - needs to learn early on is "just because you have a d*ck, doesn't mean I want it."

"My boyfriend is in the closet..."
But you know, some times those obstacles are not the end of the world. Some times you get lucky, you meet someone, you make a connection and you got yourself a boyfriend. And you have a relationship, right? No. Wrong. What you have, is a new secret on top of the old one. And let's be honest here - you've had your old secret for faaaar longer than your new one. A relationship cannot be a secret. It is not a one thing that you can isolate from the rest of your life. It is a part of the entire social experience. You might want to think that you'll have it all now, but can you hold hands in public? Can you kiss him goodbye after a night out? Can he meet your parents? Your friends? No, the closet won't allow it.

And the closet is a very selfish place. Protecting the big lie is everything. No one can know, right? Ever. So your boyfriend becomes second to keeping the secret. Your relationship is all about you and how to defend your big lie. You demean the guy you're with by treating him like a dirty little secret. He has to go out the back door when your parents come home unexpectedly early. Pretend you're nothing but friends when you meet people you know. And really, which one will you choose if your closet gets threatened? Well, experience shows you'll most likely sacrifice your big "love" when it threatens you with exposure - real or imagined.

When all your problems should not even exist in the first place
There is rarely a good reason to stay in the closet once you reach a certain age. I have talked about that before, and I'll likely have reason to do it again. The closet is a lonely, self-abusive and ultimately egotistic place that destroys your chances of romance and turns your dreams to dust. Most out gay guys won't even consider dating someone closeted, and the other closeted guys are just as afraid as you are. You're both each other's secret and shame, a thing not to be talked about and to be hidden away. No healthy relationship survives this strain, and for good reason.

But in the end, the choice is yours. You can lust after the straight friend and destroy your friendship with him. You can circle around your crush, never quite certain what's up and if anything is up, until you drive yourself crazy and become so weird he'll just quietly back away without breaking eye contact just in case you start getting frothy in the mouth and attack him with a knife. You can mistake kindness for interest and jump on the first person you feel you have a chance with. You can look behind your shoulder nervously any time your boyfriend attempts any sort of intimacy, until you make him feel completely worthless, a point of shame. OR you can take steps to get out of the closet, meet other guys who are gay for sure, who can and will reciprocate your feelings, who you won't have to hide. I promise you, it is a great and liberating feeling.

And it's not like you have that much choice really. As someone who struggled a lot with coming out of the closet, I will commit suicide before I let myself be dragged into anybody else's.

Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley Just Signed the Marriage Equality Bill

Thus making Maryland the 8th US state to legalize same sex marriage. The law will come into effect on Jan 1, 2013, unless the Evil Forces of Bigotry find a way to repeal it in the November ballot. Watch the video of the signing here: